Adultery Summed Up
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that read: “Dear wife, I’m 54 and by the time you receive this letter, I shall be at the Grange Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at the Hotel there was a letter waiting for him at reception that read as follows: “Dear husband, I am also 54, and by the time you read this letter I shall be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. And you being an accountant will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.”

High Temperature
The doctor was caught in bed with the farmers wife, and he explained to the shocked husband that he was only taking her temperature. The farmer took his shotgun off the wall, loaded it, primed the trigger, and said grimly. “I guess you know what you are doing doc, but that thing had better have numbers on it when you take it out!”

A Bottle of wine
A Texas gentleman asked the waiter to take a bottle of wine to an attractive woman. The waiter took the wine to the worman and said. “This is from the gentleman seated over there.” indicating to the sender. She regarded the wine cooly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply not to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from hear and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read:
“For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants.” After reading the not, the Texan decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read:
For your information. I have a Ferrari Maranello, A BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Colorado and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. So - just sent the bottle back!!!!”

A Day at the funny Farm
Down at the funny farm, Ethel was confined to her wheelchair, trouble was, that everywhere Ethel went in her chair, it was always flat out. One day Ethel was speeding down the corridor when all of a sudden out of a doorway jumped Daft Dave, “Stop” he shouted do you have insurance for that thing?” Ethel fumbled in her handbag again and pulled out an empty Kit-Kat wrapper and showed it to Dave. “That’s fine Mam, carry on”. Ethel sped off a bit further down the corridor, when at another doorway out jumped Simple Sid. “Stop” he shouted, “Have you got a licence for this wheelchair?” Ethel fumbled in her handbag and pulled out a small beer mat. “Yes, that’s all in order” said Sid, “you may proceed.” Ethel spec off to the end of the corridor and as she approached the last corner, out jumped Mad Mike, he was completely starkers and was holding a huge erection in his hands, Ethel took one look at it and thought “Oh Fuck, not the bloody breathalyser again.”

Superstore
One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike, “My elbow hurts like hell, I suppose I’d better see a doctor!” “Listen, don’t waste your time down at the surgery,” Mike replies, “there’s a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong, and what to do about it, it takes ten seconds and only costs five quid... A lot quicker and better that a doctor, and you get clubcard points.” So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: “you have tennis elbow, soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity, it will improve in two weeks.” That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a turd from his dog, a urine sample from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure, Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen, he deposits five pounds pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer printed the following:
1 Your tap water is too hard, Get a water softener.
2 Your cat is having kittens, Get a vet.
3 Your dog has ringworm, bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
4 Your daughter has a cocaine habit, Get her into rehab.
5 Your wife is pregnant, Twins, they aren’t yours, Get a lawyer.
6 And if you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better...... Thank you for shopping at Tesco.

The Little Builder
This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It’s true, and it makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty building plot. One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot. The young family’s 5 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking to the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them wile they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her ‘pay’ how to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When she got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling about her ‘work’ on the building site, and the fat that she had a ‘pay packet’

“You must have worked very hard to earn all this” said the bank cashier, the little girl proudly replied. “I worked all last week with the men building a big house.” “My goodness gracious” said the cashier, “Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?

The little girl thought for a moment and said. “I think so, provided those t*ats from Jewson deliver the f**king bricks on time.”

Not all Blondes are Dumb, But all Men are Men
An attractive blond from Cork arrived at the Casion and bet twenty-thousand euros on a single roll of the dice. She said “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude”.

With that, she stripped from the neck down and squealed, “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”

The other guy answered, “I don’t know, I thought you were watching”.

Women are much better at Planning than men.
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out that he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “But in just a few years my father will die and I’ll inherit 20 million pounds,” Impressed, the woman obtained his business card, and three days later, she became his stepmother!!!.